


Heaven Or Hell

by misckpopstuff (Sphenimersus)



Category: Beast | Highlight (Band), Infinite (Band), SHINee
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Cheating, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 16:29:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10494918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sphenimersus/pseuds/misckpopstuff
Summary: Sunggyu is an angel.Sunggyu was an angel.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted on [AFF](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1237328/heaven-or-hell-infinite-jongkey-sunggyu-woogyu-wookey-toheart).  
> Originally posted on March 29th 2017.
> 
> I just needed a break-my-heart-and-make-me-cry fic for some reason, and I couldn’t find one that didn’t have a happy ending. It wasn’t as angsty as I planned.

**_Sunggyu is an angel._ **

_My angel, my only one,_ the words echo in Sunggyu’s mind. Those words are for him and only him. Or at least, they were. Because he can hear his sweet boyfriend -- _is he still mine?_ \-- cooing those words behind closed doors. Behind the door they chose together.

Sunggyu’s breath hitches, but he leaves. It’s a lie, he tries to convince himself. And he does, just like the millions of other times. _Am I not enough? Am I too much?_ The questions riddle on in his mind, streaming endlessly. Replaying like a broken record. And he wishes _lalala_ actually worked in droning out useless thoughts, but that one song he adores but abhors reminds him of the countless -- _is it really countless? they’re all the same_ \-- memories they’d created together.

Sunggyu walks to his friend’s studio. Junhyung goes there at least once a day, having his own affair with music. A loyal one at least. Junhyung is a distraction Sunggyu uses. Well, Junhyung’s passion is the distraction Sunggyu uses. He knocks once, unlocks the door with the key the producer had given him, and peaks in, thankful to find Junhyung nowhere in sight. He needs to prepare himself before actually helping his friend, spilling his feelings into songs that no one will ever hear. Or at least, songs that would never be heard in its rawest form because Sunggyu knows Junhyung passes the ones he doesn’t like to miscellaneous artists -- kpop artists -- the ones that can sing those godforsaken high notes.

Sunggyu waits on the couch, falling asleep the moment he closes his eyes with small tracks of tears slipping through his supposed barrier.

* * *

**_Sunggyu was an angel._ **

Sunggyu is always gone now, Woohyun notices. There used to be days where his boyfriend would come in to surprise him with a ruined cake that Woohyun was capable of making on his own -- that Sunggyu was capable of getting a cake for free, or at least, discounted significantly. It was endearing to see the elder work so hard over something which would be considered mundane despite being a popular freelance journalist. A significantly paid one at that. Woohyun, on the other hand, was the chief chef and co-owner at the bakery two blocks from their apartment.

 _Kibum_ , Woohyun recalls their first meeting. Both were in steady relationships, so they’d danced around each other for a good two years before falling into the baker’s bed. Into the baker _and_ journalist’s _shared_ bed. The bed the couple had made love on -- _or was it Woohyun’s lust masked by false love?_ Woohyun himself doesn’t know.

 _Top or bottom?_ Kibum had asked, flippantly as if he wanted to get it over with quickly.

 _Switch,_ Woohyun had replied, just as casually.

_Then fuck me hard._

And they do, the first time they did it. Kibum leaves with no remorse evident in his expression. It became more playful and more risky as they kept going. The still spent nights with their boyfriends, but Woohyun is addicted to the taste of Kibum. The expensive cologne and fancy fabric the businessman wears is evidence enough that he was wealthy, contrasting to Woohyun’s own upbringing ( _and Sunggyu’s_ , a nagging voice whispers). The man that seemed to be untouchable to him was now within reach.

Woohyun licks his lips as if there was icing stuck after taking a bite of a cake. _He’s addicted to Kibum like sugar._ Woohyun knows this, but he stays. Even as the surprise visits Sunggyu gives him lessen over the year, Woohyun takes his coworker home to bed on days he knows -- _thinks_ \-- Sunggyu won’t be home.

The presents are no longer given to him with a smile. Woohyun doesn’t notice. It’s just a note beside the bags set on the tables.

The few nights spent in their apartment are becoming nonexistent, and Kibum comes over more often. Woohyun still does not notice this.

He doesn’t notice when Sunggyu’s things start disappearing, one by one. And when he does, he’s greeted by the cold tone of the friendly lady’s voice recorded into disabled phones.

_This number is no longer available._

Woohyun blames Sunggyu for leaving so suddenly. Woohyun blames Sunggyu for leaving without a word. Woohyun blames Sunggyu for making him feel pain because he misses the older.

But never once does he wonder if Sunggyu himself is in pain. Never once does he wonder if Sunggyu _knows_ of his little affair. Because Woohyun thinks of Sunggyu as the devil for inflicting pain upon him.

* * *

**_Sunggyu was an angel._ **

Sunggyu still comes, even after he takes all of his things away. He wonders how Woohyun is feeling. _Does he miss me? Does he even know?_ He watches from Dongwoo’s car, hidden by sunglasses and a mask Junhyung gave him with a pitiful shake of his head.

Sunggyu only shrugged, desperate to know if he still has a place in Woohyun’s heart. But of all things that happened, Sunggyu feels his heart turn cold when, half a year since he left, the door opens and the one Woohyun kisses up to is Kim Kibum.

Sunggyu knows of Kibum. Knows of him through Woohyun. But more importantly, knows that Kibum is in a steady relationship with Jonghyun. Not his friend Jonghyun, but Junhyung’s friend who’s a singer-songwriter.

Sunggyu has seen Jonghyun on the television before. An icon in Korea, being one of the few openly homosexual celebrity in their conservative country. His words hold _levels_ of power, but he only uses it to express his innermost emotions and to protect his loved ones.

And from what Sunggyu has learned from watching occasional interviews that randomly appear on the tele, Jonghyun, like most composers, is a sensitive person. From what Sunggyu has heard from Junhyung, Jonghyun cries a lot. Almost as much as Sunggyu himself. They’ve met one time they met at Junhyung’s studio, and Sunggyu tried to put in a brave front because he’s older (by a year). He failed spectacularly the moment Jonghyun let out a heartbreaking sob.

They’re awkward, Sunggyu and Jonghyun, but Sunggyu feels the rage almost bursting in him when he sees Woohyun and Kibum kissing at their, his, whoever’s doorstep. It makes him feel better about the few times Sunggyu had seen Woohyun appearing miserable. The times in which Sunggyu wants to go up to the younger and comfort him is over. Instead, Sunggyu thinks Woohyun deserves the pain. His usually kind heart was hardened as he ruthlessly wishes for pain to torture Woohyun for all eternity.

* * *

**_Sunggyu is an angel.  
Sunggyu was an angel._ **

Sunggyu tells Junhyung who tells Jonghyun to come over. Jonghyun looks especially small this time around. It’s their second time meeting, but Jonghyun looks worse than the few months ago Sunggyu had seen him.

“It’s about Kibum, right?”

“He’s been cheating on you with my boyfriend for the past two years,” Sunggyu states, a little too coldly. Junhyung raises an eyebrow at the journalist as if to say, _he’s broken enough as is._ But Sunggyu knows that’s not it because he sees Junhyung’s eyes ask, _how are you?_

Jonghyun’s breath hitches and he lets a soft sob slip through his lips. He’s quick to stand though, heading directly to one of Junhyung’s side office.

“He’s sorting his thoughts,” Junhyung says slowly. “Do I need to get Yoseob and Gikwang to punch them?”

“No, but do you have a song for me to sing?”

“You’ve done this song a few times before, and the original composer wanted you to debut with it. What say you?”

“Which one?”

“Sixty seconds.”

Sunggyu takes a moment to recall the song lyrics before replying, “I’ll think about it.”

Junhyung nods in understanding.

* * *

**_Sunggyu is an angel._ **

Three years since the _affair_ with Kibum started. One year since Sunggyu left. Six months since Kibum said Jonghyun broke up with him. Six months since Kibum and Woohyun became an official _thing_ , whatever that was.

It’s then when Woohyun turns in the radio while he’s baking and his once boyfriend’s voice is on. Woohyun can recognize Sunggyu’s voice anywhere and this one was full of pain.

_60 seconds is all I need for this story_  
_You came into my heart_  
_I don’t doubt it_  
_That you took me away_  
_The time that wasn’t short_  
_You’re that kind of person_  
_A story that’s enough for me_  
_I don’t need any reasons_  
_You made my heart flutter and look for you_  
_That first time_

Woohyun turns off the radio, shaking his head to rid his mind of the lyrics. It haunts him because he _knows_ who that song is for. He _knows_ it’s for the one that broke him. He _knows_ it’s for his one true love that broke down his walls and caused his heart to be shattered into a million pieces. Woohyun bites his lips as he squeezes the pipe a little too much. He notices too late and shouts “shit!” as he scrambles away but somehow knocks the cake over with him.

The clang on the floor rings out loudly, and Kibum comes out from his office slowly. _A real professional he is,_ Woohyun's thoughts bite. Kibum’s voice doesn't intone his worry when he asks, “What happened?”

“I was distracted,” Woohyun sighs.

Kibum softens, “Hyun, go home. You need a break.”

“This needs to be done by tomorrow.”

“We’ve got other chefs,” Kibum replies flippantly. “Head home and relax.”

 _Home_ , Woohyun thinks and remembers it’s really the apartment he and Sunggyu chose. Okay, that Sunggyu chose himself because Woohyun was busy setting up the bakery.

_Woohyun and Sunggyu had been together for three years prior to moving in._

Maybe Woohyun should be glad Sunggyu left so quietly because he’d nearly forgotten who had chosen the bed, the television, the kitchen for Woohyun, the one who found the perfect apartment for Woohyun.

_How much of the things that were part of the apartment were for Sunggyu specifically? **None.**_

Woohyun takes to what Sunggyu enjoyed much, writing poems at first but nothing comes out right. He wishes he had the ability to express what he felt. He throws paper after paper out. Burns some of the worst.

Hoping the television would distract him, it turns on to a music channel that Kibum switches to occasionally. And as though the world is against him, the MC is talking about the phenomenon, Kim Sunggyu, whose album _Another Me_ has already taken first place on the Gaon charts.

“There are no reports of him promoting this album, but his voice, recommended by composer Junhyung and singer-songwriter Jonghyun, has taken the hearts of many Koreans. For a solo artist who used to be a freelance journalist, his teaser ‘Another Me’ showed Sunggyu-ssi playing the piano with beautiful vocals in the background.”

_He plays the piano?_

“His music video for ‘60 Seconds’ features actor Kim Myungsoo in the story version, and then Sunggyu-ssi in striking red hair in the band version.”

_When did he change his hair?_

“In just a moment we will play his second music video ‘I Need You’ which shows Sunggyu-ssi calling out for his loved one.”

_The moment I’ve always dreamed about breaks down_  
_And after everyone I believed_  
_would stay by me, leaves_  
_I’m left alone_  
_You, who came to me_  
_who was full of loneliness and hurt_

_Can’t you hold me_  
_Can’t you hold my hand_  
_I need you now_  
_I need you now_  
_Please help me so that I can say_  
_goodbye to everyone_  
_and bid farewell with a smile_  
_I need you_

_The pieces of my memory_  
_If among them, just one, just one moment_  
_became strength to me_

Woohyun listens to the first half, eyes caught on the screen before finally turning the damn thing off. He’s weak. He doesn’t want to acknowledge what he did to Sunggyu. It would have been fine if they had a proper break up, but _Sunggyu_ left. (And Woohyun _cheated._ )

Woohyun hates but loves how Sunggyu didn’t ask. Those _eyes_ haunt him despite only being seen in part of the two minutes he’d watched. He hates that Sunggyu didn’t ask because now, Woohyun has no answers because Sunggyu was an enigma to him. A mystery that Woohyun loved, loves, whatever it is.

But Woohyun loves how Sunggyu didn’t ask because Woohyun himself can’t provide answers. It happened. It developed to be like that. And Woohyun isn’t sure if he would change what he did because the times he has with Kibum was, _is_ fun.

And that reminds Woohyun of how Sunggyu has always been decisive with his choices and how he sees things -- much unlike Woohyun who likes to go back and forth between things. And he realizes that maybe, just maybe, that’s why Sunggyu left. Because the elder saw, heard, knew of the affair and figured that it was all Woohyun wanted. Because it has always been one or the other for him. And Sunggyu always chose the path that he believed would cause less pain for everyone.

But what of now? Everyone can see the angel called Kim Sunggyu. The angel that once was only his. The angel with those tiny eyes that crinkle perfectly with his foolish grin. The horribly adorable winks. The blush that climb his ears before all else. His laugh that brought down his entire body. His silence when he feels the necessity. His loud expressions when he’s excited. Every single detail, Woohyun finally sees them. They say hindsight is 20/20, and Woohyun couldn’t agree more because he regrets not appreciating those small moments when he had them.

Woohyun tries to recall the times in which Sunggyu had cried and was weak. It was one time, and that was the last time because Woohyun hated the tears welled up in Sunggyu’s eyes and the streaks that followed shortly after. Their values were different. Their personalities were different. The way they grew up was different. Despite both being the youngest in their families, Woohyun was taught to fight and fend for himself while Sunggyu was spoiled by his parents and sister.

_You’re just a big baby. You can always go back to your parents._

At the time, Woohyun had known the truth of Sunggyu’s situation. But his rage had blinded him as he insulted the elder’s character despite being aware that Sunggyu had no one. His parents were blatantly ignoring the journalist for pursuing his dreams. His sister had her own problems.

Sunggyu had nodded, biting his lips while he tried to blink away his tears. Woohyun had stopped there, surprised by the sudden scene. (But maybe it wasn’t so sudden because it was a sensitive time for Sunggyu -- for both of them.)

Sunggyu had whispered a response, too soft for Woohyun to have heard, but it seemed to be an apology. An apology that Woohyun should’ve given. It was settled in a strange way. It was almost ironic how rather than comforting the elder and apologizing, Woohyun was the one comforted because _he_ cried when he saw Sunggyu crying.

 _Hey, stop crying_ , Woohyun had said quietly and somewhat awkwardly. _I’ll cry too._

And somehow that really did get Sunggyu to stop his tears. The journalist had wrapped his arms around Woohyun and said everything was okay. That Woohyun could do whatever the hell he had wanted to do. Whatever the reason that started the fight in the first place.

And Woohyun misses how perfectly imperfect Sunggyu was, always putting everyone else before him while still being selfish. Woohyun hates it because he looks at himself and finally, _finally_ , sees how selfish and dark his soul is.

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote more, but I felt like stopping it here was better.
> 
> Oh, and if you know which song I'm referring to when I put _lalala_ , ~~then I'll write a mini drabble for you. (Comment below!)~~ kudos to you! (Because I've already answered this for someone who commented.)


End file.
